I hate injustice. I hate unfairness. I detest both. However, as humans, we are all guilty of both at some point in our lives. We have a tendency to think of ourselves in a more positive light than reality – except of course when we decide to go the opposite way then beat ourselves up and get negative.
Most of the time, we are not capable of being balanced and unbiased; Particularly when it comes to ourselves. I was raped. I have actually been raped many times in many ways, but let’s stay focused on the true definition of rape.
In this context, rape as a form of sexual assault. I have been raped twice. One incident was forced and without my consent while the other, I have no recollection of due to my being intoxicated and unable to make rational decisions. In the case of the latter incident, there is ongoing debate if it truly is considered rape because I, the victim, may have consented while under the influence.
But does that nullify the fact that it was rape? If both parties are intoxicated and cannot make proper judgement calls, does that mean I wasn’t raped? I want to get into my psyche as at the time of the incident. I woke up to discover something happened that I did not recollect.
I was convinced into believing that I consented, but I didn’t remember a thing and still don’t. I decided to have sex with him a second time later that morning to see if I would remember the feeling, since (was told that I) consented, so I figured that I must have some sort of muscle memory in my vagina that would remember his penis being inside me, and possibly even enjoying it – – – — Nothing.
So, I got upset because at that point I began to realize that I was taken advantage of sexually. Now let’s think about this. If it wasn’t rape, then what do you call someone who was taken advantage of sexually? Is there a different definition of rape just because a victim decides NOT to speak up at the time of their assault?
Is it no longer rape just because the victim does not remember, therefore nullifying the fact that the rapist took advantage of the victim sexually, without their (the victim’s) full knowledge?
Am I just having remorse? – Because this is what I was told. I was told that most men would take advantage of a situation where a female they are attracted to is intoxicated and clearly not her rational self. They would prey on that situation and sleep with her because, hey, that is normal as horny, out of control guys and as such, is not rape.
Yes, this was the general consensus when my rapist gathered together with his male rape apologist friends and broke down why I am just a bitter bitch, who is angry and remorseful that I did not get what I wanted from my rapist Because my rapist had so much to offer me in life, that I was looking for ways to blackmail and get something from him.
Okay that was a low blow, but let’s unpack thevconcept of remorse for a moment here. imagine that to be remorseful means you regret something you did, consciously. You made a bad decision and now feel bad – hence remorse. So how can you have remorse over something that you were UNAWARE happened?
I’m looking at all the definitions of remorse and they all refer to a deep regret for something you did. Meaning you KNOW you did this thing and now you feel like shit because you realize you shouldn’t have. By that definition, I am remorseful about quite a lot in my lifetime; Including sleeping with him the second time that morning —
But how does remorse factor into the equation when you don’t KNOW you did something? When, until he told you that you had sex, although your vagina was slightly sore and his wet sperm freshly collected in your cervical/vaginal cavity, YOU had NO recollection of the incident.
So how can you feel bad for something you did, but did not actually do consciously? It’s like when you would get punished for wetting your bed when you didn’t even know you were urinating in your sleep? The fact is that I really was remorseful. I was remorseful for not calling the police. I was remorseful for allowing him to talk me down and convince me that there may have been consent on my part, when I KNEW as at the moment I woke up from being.
by ZaheeraTags: Consent, Personal essay, rape
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