I was remorseful for not calling the police. I was remorseful for allowing him to talk me down and convince me that there may have been consent on my part, when I KNEW as at the moment I woke up from being blacked out that I didn’t agree to what had happened to me the previous night, as I had no recollection whatsoever. I was remorseful that I didn’t tell anyone until over a year later. I was remorseful that I didn’t handle it better.
I was remorseful for even taking him seriously at any moment in time. I was remorseful for having sex with him after the incident. I was remorseful for many things, but none of my remorse was for having sex with him the first time, the previous night/early that morning, which is why I firmly consider his act to be dubbed sexual assault a.k.a rape.
That man took full advantage of me and the condition I was in. I believe he agreed to that when discussing with his friends, but herein lies my problem. He denies raping me because consented yet he (or at least his friends) agree that he took advantage. But none of them consider taking advantage to be rape.
They mostly, if not all, believe it as a tactic or a strategy to get women to sleep with them. So why should he get away with “taking advantage? Are we saying that this act in itself is legal and should not be met with consequences?
Because I have to live with the lifetime memory that someone sexually assaulted me while I was visibly intoxicated and unconscious and is now claiming that I consented. In the state I was in, if I drove, I wouldn’t have made it out alive.
If I died, is there a different definition for death? Does me calling it a DUI change the fact that I died? Or better yet, does calling it “kick the bucket” change the fact that I died? The fact is when I think about this, I myself am still on the fence. I feel like it was rape. But is this just a feeling? Am I just upset that he got away with sleeping with me without my knowledge?
Does that sound like consent? Doesn’t that sound like a violation to you? Or am I just salty (slang for bitter)? I’ll let you be the judge.
by ZaheeraTags: activism, non fiction, Personal essay, rape